The football division · Est. 2026
The athletic division of Cool Dude International. Wednesday nights, full squad, no excuses.
01 — Fixtures
All league fixtures kick off Wednesday evenings. Results are posted the following morning.
02 — Training
Training is optional in the way that breathing is optional.
Sessions are called as the week allows.
Warm-up. Non-negotiable.
03 — Squad
Twelve players, listed by the name on the shirt. The club publishes nothing further.
1A hockey goalie by trade, here on what he describes as a working holiday. Finds the net enormous and the shots insultingly slow. Has twice tried to freeze the ball for a faceoff. Still drops into the butterfly on anything below the knee, and the club has stopped asking him not to, because nothing below the knee has gone in.
Captain7Club captain. Widely believed to be the older brother of Aston Villa’s John McGinn, a claim that has never been confirmed, denied, or in any way looked into. Leads the warm-up, the team talk, and the group chat, and has been asked to step back from at least one of these.
Co-Captain15Shoots from anywhere, at any time, for any reason. Has scored from distances the coaching staff did not know were legal. Was once asked whether she had considered passing. She said she had, and shot.
Player CoachPlayer coach, he arrived with a collegiate and international pedigree the club is not at liberty to discuss, and has never once brought it up, which somehow makes it worse. Referred to internally as the Messiah, a title he has neither accepted nor declined. Still the only player without a number. Nobody asks.
4Defends the box like it is his own front lawn and the ball is someone else’s dog. Clears everything: upfield, out of play, occasionally into the next fixture. Has never dribbled past a player and regards the practice as showing off.
8Wears the 8 and covers the ground that comes with it, plus a fair amount that does not. Has played every position in training, including two that do not exist. Arrives forty minutes early and is visibly disappointed in everyone who arrives on time.
10Claimed the 10, the most sacred shirt in football, before anyone else had finished reading the kit email. Nobody has challenged it. Nobody intends to. Plays with the confidence of someone who knows exactly whose number it is.
11The quietest player in the squad, which at this club is less a personality trait than a medical marvel. Turns up, does the job, goes home. The others are studying him.
17Picked the 17 and has offered no explanation, which the club considers the correct amount of explanation. Opponents describe her as difficult to get past. Teammates describe her the same way, because she does not stop for warm-up drills either.
21Every possible joke about the name has been made, and Church made most of them first. Keeps the faith at 0–0 and at 0–4. Position to be determined, the coaching staff say, by a higher power.
24Prepares for a Wednesday night fixture the way other people prepare for a merger. Has a pre-match routine nobody has fully observed. His position remains open. His commitment never was.
36Bleach blonde, visible from orbit, and the most easily located player on any pitch at any hour. Teammates find him without looking up; opponents find him without trying. Wears the 36, a number the club did not know it issued.
04 — Media
Training footage, match photography, and official club communications. Club accounts launch shortly.
postKit reveal. The home shirt, 2026. Thumbs mandatory.
Early morning at the pitch. They’re on to us.
Goalkeeping session. The keeper went full stretch. The footage has been reviewed internally a number of times.
photoEvening session. The sun set on schedule. So did the squad.
Passing drill, golden hour. Every ball arrived. Most arrived where intended.
photoPre-session equipment inspection. Three balls, all regulation, all accounted for.
photoBoots laced. Turf inspected. Standards maintained.