The football division · Est. 2026
The athletic division of Cool Dude International. Monday nights, full squad, no excuses.
01 — Fixtures
All league fixtures kick off Monday evenings. Results are posted the following morning.
02 — Training
Training is optional in the way that breathing is optional.
Full squad. Boots and both kits.
Finishing and set pieces.
Warm-up. Non-negotiable.
03 — Squad
Twelve men. First names only — the club does not publish surnames.
Commands his area with the calm of a man who has never once been told he is wrong. Distribution is a work in progress. Has not conceded from a corner since July and mentions it often.
Arrived from the pickup game at the Y on a free transfer and has started every fixture since. Reads the game two passes ahead. Leads the warm-up whether or not he has been asked to.
A defender of the old school. Wins the ball, gives it to someone better, and asks for nothing in return. Once played a full half with a shoe that did not fit.
Left back with an attacking instinct the coaching staff describe as "ambitious." Covers more ground than anyone on the pitch, occasionally including his own position.
Marks his man out of the fixture and then out of the parking lot. Has never taken a shot and has no intention of starting now.
Sets the tempo and keeps it. Completes a high percentage of passes by the simple method of only attempting achievable ones. The club considers this wisdom.
Covers the entire midfield for ninety minutes and then asks whether anyone wants to stay on for extra. Fitness levels are the subject of an ongoing internal investigation.
Sees the pass nobody else sees, and attempts it regardless of circumstance. When it comes off it is the best moment of the week. It comes off roughly once a month.
Hugs the touchline and delivers. Crossing is genuinely excellent; tracking back is a matter the club prefers to address privately.
Does not run much and does not need to. Occupies the six-yard box with the patience of a man waiting for a table. Leads the squad for goals.
Quickest player at the club by a distance nobody disputes. Given a yard of space he is gone. Giving him that yard remains the tactical priority.
Does not play. Runs the sideline, the group chat, and the post-match arrangements. The club is unanimous that he is the most important member of the squad.
04 — Media
Reels, match photography, and whatever the Head of Vibes decides to publish.
Matchday · 4–0 v The Regulars
Squad photo, opening fixture
Theo, first touch to finish
Kit drop — home shirt, 2026
Training ground, Wednesday
The Head of Vibes addresses the squad